Allyson Whipple

Category: writing

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    I had so many things I wanted to blog about this week. Like the great time I had with Kelli Russell Agodon’s poetry class, and the five strong pieces that came from it. Or how I went out on a limb and applied for a creative writing fellowship. Or dance. I had so much to say.

    But in the wake of Reesa’s death, I find that most words have left me. If they’re not necessary, they’re not in my head or my hands. And I’m not just talking about blog posts, either. Poems? Feh. That epic poem I want to finish revising? Meh. The small stones project? *shrug* Working on fiction? Blah.

    It’s not that I’m afraid the words won’t come back. They will. But it’s frustrating that I can’t write. Doubly so because Reesa was a writer, and it feels like an insult to her memory that I don’t feel like I have anything to say.

    But this will pass. Words will come back. I’ll find a way to honor Reesa with them.

    Friends and family alike have encouraged me to compete in Houston this weekend as planned, that Reesa wouldn’t want me to sit around the house all weekend. So that’s where I am now. Dancing to honor her memory. Maybe when this weekend is said and done, I’ll have danced the blockage out, and can start writing fresh on Monday again.

  • Goodbye, Reesa

    Reesa, with her daughter

    I met Reesa in February of 2010. I was having a rough week, and my friends Lynn and Casey took me to the weekly poker game she hosted, thinking it would cheer me up. It did. Reesa was already sick at that point, though the cancer had not been diagnosed. Despite the fact that she was suffering, I was blown away by her brilliance, especially the way she talked about her writing projects. I admired her on the spot, and looked forward to seeing her again.

    Over the next month, I got to know Reesa and her family more (as well as honing my poker skills). On March 15th, I was hit by a car. Two days later, Reesa was finally diagnosed with breast cancer. I was so frustrated to be undergoing my own convalescence, and unable to help her recover from the mastectomy. But gradually, we both recovered. It wasn’t long before poker nights resumed. A few months after that, Reesa formed a writing group, which I readily joined. She became an influence on my work, my process, and she was one of my biggest cheerleaders. And on March 15th of 2011, we both celebrated a year of surviving our respective tragedies.

    In December of 2010, Reesa announced that she was pregnant. Although she’d had concerns about having a baby less than a year after having the mastectomy, her doctors told her it was perfectly fine. They were wrong. When Iliana was born on March 30, 2011, there were tumors in Reesa’s other breast, her hip, spine, lungs, and liver.

    Reesa had beaten cancer before, and this time, she had an infant daughter to live for. She spent 2011 fighting, fighting, and fighting some more. There was radiation, chemo, more radiation, surgery, and then more chemo. Never once did she think she would lose this fight. And even though she was considered terminally ill, most of us thought she would win, too. It was impossible to think that she wouldn’t.

    But in October of 2011, things went downhill. Blood clots, rampant infections, kidney failure. Just before Christmas, we learned that the tumors in her lungs and liver were growing again. Not good news. Still, when I visited her on New Year’s Day, the dialysis treatments were working and her doctor said she was getting stronger. I left the hospital full of hope. It was the last time I saw her.

    During the New Year’s Day visit, she spent much of the time sleeping. I wrote her a note in a notebook she kept near the bed. When it was time for me to leave, she apologized for having fallen asleep. I told her it was okay. I said, “I’m grateful for any time I spend with you.”

    Those were the last words I said to her.

    She died yesterday afternoon. The dialysis stopped working, and her body gave up.

    I wish I’d gone to see her one more time. That I’d had the chance for a proper goodbye. But I suppose that, as far as last words go, the ones I said to her on New Year’s sufficed.

  • December Accomplishments

    Despite all of the holiday-related fun I had in December, this was a pretty good month for my my writing. Here is what I managed to accomplish:

    • Wrote 32 poems
    • Submitted 14 poems
    • Submitted my chapbook manuscript to two competitions
    • Found a new system for keeping track of my submissions (I ended up going with Writer’s Database).
    • Drafted one of my prose ideas I had bouncing around. Except it turned into an epic poem. Whoops! I’d never written an epic poem before, so I’m pretty proud of this. I’d hoped to have a draft ready to show by the new year, but revising to make sure the meter works has been a real challenge, so I’m still plowing away.

    All in all, December was a great month! I produced fewer poems than I’d been writing in the past few months, but the epic took up a lot of my time.

    I’ve set some pretty big goals for my writing in 2012. Here are some specifics for January that will help me accomplish that:

    • Continue with my regular poetry writing and submitting practice
    • Complete the River of Stones project in January (small stones do not count toward my poem-a-day goal)
    • Complete Kelli Russell Agodon’s New Year’s Poetry Resolution Party
    • Complete a draft of one prose piece
    • Complete a draft of the epic poem that I can show  beta readers for feedback

  • Goals for 2012, Part 2: Writing

    As I mentioned in my previous post, I tend to be overambitious, and set more goals than I can possibly achieve. But I’d rather try to do all I can and set my sights too low. So without further ado, here are my writing plans for 2012, with my focus still on poetry (I don’t plan on this changing in 2012, but if it does, these goals can and will be revised).

    Writing

    1. Write 365 poems
    2. Write 6 short stories
    3. Write 6 essays
    4. Finish a first draft of a full poetry collection
    5. Finish my one-act play

     

    Submitting

    1. Submit my chapbook twice a month
    2. Submit 52 poems
    3. Submit 3 stories
    4. Submit 3 fiction pieces
    5. Submit my one-act play

     

    Writing Challenges

    1. Complete the River of Stones project in January (these do not count towards my daily poems)

      2. Find a meaningful way to participate in National Poetry Writing Month (which is concurrent with National Poetry Month in April), since I’m already writing a poem a day. Maybe I’ll use the month to write another epic poem (“Another epic poem?” you ask. Yes, another epic poem. I know, you don’t know about the first epic poem yet. I’ll get around to writing about it eventually. But it’s a very rough draft at the moment.)

    2. Give National Novel Writing Month another try

     

    Continuing Education

    1. Participate in Kelli Russell Agodon’s New Year’s Poetry Resolution Party, which Jon gave me as a holiday gift. It’s odd to say that someone gave me a class, but it’s true! And I’m very excited for the opportunity.
    2. Participate in at least two of the Wingbeats workshops being held in Austin early this year. I know I’ll be out of town for at least one, but I want to make it to the rest. Yes, I already have the Wingbeats book, but getting to do the exercises in a communal setting is also a worthwhile experience.
    3. Attend at least four workshops at the Austin International Poetry Festival.
    4. Find and participate in at least two more opportunities for further writing development.

     

  • In which I finally realize that math is awesome

    I didn’t like math when I was growing up. I wasn’t especially great at it, either. Not horrible, but not fantastic. After a semester of precalculus in college, in which I got a B through hours upon hours having the material re-explained to me in office hours, I threw math aside and never looked back.

    Then, I moved to Austin, where I made friends with mathematicians, physicists, and programmers – all people who were doing cool things with math all day long. Over the past three-and-a-half years (I cannot believe I have lived here this long), I’ve come to see just how absolutely fun it is, and what it can do. Seeing the movie Moneyball on Thursday night only reinforced that feeling. I want to be able to assemble winning baseball teams using formulas!

    It’s not that I had bad teachers when I was in school. But they were never quite able to make me generate enthusiasm for the subject. When I was solving equations and calculating compound interest, I couldn’t find the fun in it. Now, I wish I’d been able to see it back then. It still might not have been an easy subject, but I wouldn’ t have seen it as a chore to slog through, a requirement I had to put up with so I could focus on what actually interested me. I might have been inspired to really focus on the formulas and boring word problems in hope of getting to do something more fun.

    So, since I’m not busy enough (ha, ha), I’m going to learn. Of course, I haven’t studied any sort of math at all since 2003. I don’t even remember most of the basics. But I’m going to re-learn, no matter how long it takes. And then I’ll get to learn the good stuff.

    I’m excited. It’s been a while since I took up any sort of serious academic undertaking. This should be fun. Challenging, but fun.

  • Starting Over and Giving Up

    Greetings from our new townhouse! After two-and-a-half years at one apartment (a nice change from moving every year while I was in school), it was time to leave. Management at our old place changed, we weren’t thrilled, and it was time to move on. Fortunately, we found a townhouse in our price range only 3/4 of a mile east (not an easy task in a city that’s growing increasingly expensive). 950 square feet, a tiny yard, and a barbecue pit (courtesy of the previous tenants, who also left a few pretty dishes in the dishwasher). We got up early this morning and got the furniture, degus, clothing, food, and books over to the new place. We still have a bunch of stuff from the kitchen to pack up, but we’re taking a break until tomorrow, because 7 solid hours of moving was enough for one day.

    I’m especially looking forward to having a yard, and turning the small space into a garden. I’m inspired by Christine Hennessey, who calls grass “nothing but a missed opportunity.” Maybe next week I’ll take a cue from her and start prepping things for spring.

    In other news, it’s been an interesting month in terms of my creative work. Although I had planned to spend this month working on a large nonfiction project in my free time. And then, at the last minute, I got an idea for National Novel Writing Month. Unfortunately, about a week in, I wasn’t really enjoying myself. Between a day job, dance, and preparing to move, getting the minimum 1,667 words per day in was stressful and eating into my free time. While 1,667 words isn’t that many in the grand scheme of things, with my schedule the way it was, NaNoWriMo was feeling like a chore rather than fun. Nor was the story coming together the way I wanted. I was also neglecting my poetry as a result, and starting to resent NaNoWriMo for pulling my attention away from that. So, after about two days of deliberation, I decided to call NaNoWriMo a wash for this year.

    This wasn’t easy for me. I don’t like giving up for any reason. But, as I said, I wasn’t enjoying what I was doing. It’s not that it was challenging, but I was getting something out of it. I was not having fun. And life is too short to not enjoy my free time. I’m glad I attempted NaNo, and I’m glad I started the story. I’m just going to take a cue from Chuck Wendig, who notes that sometimes, the story just isn’t ready, or you’re not ready for the story. My focus is on my poetry right now. If I’m doing prose, I want to work on nonfiction. This just isn’t the write time for me to work on this piece. I don’t plan to let it sit in hard drive limbo, though. I’m not going to give up on a project I think is cool. I’m just not going to kill my love for it trying to write a draft of it by the end of November.

  • October Unprocessed: A Little More Than Halfway There

    I’m a little more than halfway through October Unprocessed. Despite the fact that I feel fantastic, this has gotten to be a genuine challenge, which I didn’t expect. I assumed that it would be really tough at the beginning, and get easier as the month progressed. Instead, the first week was easy, and it’s gotten more and more difficult. Last week, I thought about quitting on a number of occasions. But I’m still at it, because I don’t want to give up on this.

    Last week in general was tough. It was fun, but it was also exhausting. I was helping to prepare for (and then participating in) Austin Rocks. Cooking unprocessed food was just another chore to add to my list. Even if I wasn’t cooking that often (I’ve been making large batches of things to eat throughout the week), any cooking was a tiring obligation rather than something fun. I wanted to run across the street to get a sub for dinner rather than make something healthy. I envied my friends at work who got to microwave frozen food at work instead of having to plan their food for the week. And at the competition this weekend, I definitely was jealous of my friends who got to eat wherever and  whatever they wanted without having to think about it or plan ahead in case they didn’t have any other options.

    But I powered through. I’m still unprocessed. I haven’t caved. And things definitely feel easier this week, now that I’m not running around with almost no free time. I’ve made some inspiring food. This is going to work. And I’m still planning on sticking with this to some extent once the month is up. Not 24/7, but I’m thinking five days a week. Which will keep me mostly unprocessed, but still allow a few delicious indulgences.

  • October Unprocessed: Days 1-5

     

    So far, October Unprocessed has been relatively easy. There have been a few frustrations here and there, like not being able to order any delicious snacks while watching Breaking Bad at the Alamo Drafthouse. And then I had to explain why I wasn’t eating any of the free Chinese food we got at work on Monday. But the actual eating part has been great. I’m rediscovering my love of cooking and exploring lots of new recipes. I’m eating healthier than I have in a long time.

    It’s frustrating to realize just how much space in grocery stores is occupied by things full of artificial chemicals. It’s amazing how many things I like I just can’t have right now. But I also remember how lucky I am. I have privileges that allow me to take this challenge in the first place. I don’t live in a food desert – I have access to lots of fresh produce (which currently comprises the bulk of my meals). I have leisure time on weekends to bake bread from scratch. I have a car, so a trip to the grocery store takes 20 minutes rather than 2 hours. I have income to shop at more upscale grocery stores which offer a better variety of unprocessed foods. This challenge can be tricky sometimes, but it’s a challenge I might not be able to take in different circumstances.

    Overall, this has been a positive experience so far, and I’m already considering the extent to which I want to make unprocessed eating part of my daily life after October. Ideally, it would be forever, but that would mean never eating at certain restaurants or cooking certain comfort foods ever again.  I’m trying to figure out what sort of balance I want to strike.

  • 100 Words on Revenge

    I’m doing another one of Chuck Wendig’s flash fiction challenges. This time, it’s 100 words on the subject of revenge. And according to Microsoft Office, this is 100 words right on the nose!

     

    Untitled

    When you’re gone, I sit down to write the list of all the ways I will get my revenge, pending my ability to evade the law. But as each idea falls across the page, I cross it out. TP-ing is harmless. Slashed tires are cliché. Salting your lawn is expensive. I don’t have an original revenge idea anywhere in my head, and that’s when I realize I need to just let the whole thing go. No point in prolonging the drama if I can’t be theatrical about it. The list goes in the trash. I go on with my life.

  • Flash Fiction Challenge – Plucked From the Pages of History

    Chuck Wendig is hosting another of his excellent flash fiction challenges. I haven’t participated in a long time due to various other projects, but I’m trying to get focused on writing flash fiction again. So here is my effort for “Plucked from the Pages of History.”  The person (well, people) I chose are more famous than historical, but I couldn’t resist the idea when I got it. At the end of the post, I’ll talk a little bit about where I got the idea, but I want the story to exist on its own first.

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    “I’m too tired for this,” Stefani says as she kicks off her eight-inch-high stilettos. She throws back a shot of vodka, but even the burn in her esophagus won’t stop the tears forming in her eyes. “I can’t take it anymore. First thing tomorrow, I’m hosting a press conference and coming clean.”

    “No!” her manager snaps. “You can’t. It will ruin everything.”

    “I’ve spent years pretending to be two different stars at the same time. Now, it’s killing me. Let’s just let the world in on the joke so I can move on with my life. Besides, it will give them something to talk about. I’m not sure I’ve been talked about enough lately.”

    “But you can’t! Your other half still has–”

    Stefani interrupts him by throwing her glass against the wall.

    “Has what? The tour got canceled. Did you see that last pathetic attempt at a show? I was so exhausted, everyone thought I was totally strung out. It was fun for a while, but being two people at once is exhausting.”

    “Well, you’re not hosting a press  conference.”

    “What am I supposed to do? It’s not like anyone will believe Amy just disappeared off the face of the earth.”

    “If I may,” a friend says. “I believe Shakespeare had a solution for this.”

    Stefani raises an eyebrow. “What are you talking about?”

    “Romeo and Juliet. She fakes her own death, remember?”

    “I also remember that not working out so well for her.

    “That’s because she didn’t have your entourage,” the manager says. “Yes, this plan is genius. The only question is, is a drug like that actually available?”

    The friend laughs. “This is the 21st century. Of course it is.”

    ***

    Five days later, Stefani comes to in a swanky hotel room. The first thing she does is flip on the television. It’s all over the news: Amy’s body found dead in her flat, everyone assuming overdose.

    Stefani smiles and checks her schedule. New songs to write, a tour date to make, and a meeting to plan her performance at the VMAs. She goes to the bathroom to shower and prepare for the day. Looking in the mirror, she notices hints of roots starting to appear in the mirror.

    Maybe I can quit bleaching now, she thinks.

    ________________

    This story doesn’t draw much on truly historical figures, but was inspired by me hearing that Lady Gaga started bleaching her hair because she kept getting confused with Amy Winehouse. With the power of Google Image Search, I did note some striking similarities. And then I couldn’t help but wonder: what if they weren’t actually different people?

    So that’s where that one came from. I hope you enjoyed it.