Category: feminism

Warning: The post I am linking to is full of profanity. While it’s text only, it might not be safe for work. 

Via Kimberly Chapman (who pretty much links to all the best feminist stuff on Google Plus):

Yeti-Detective has an open letter to men in the friendzone. (If you don’t know what the friendzone is, check out Wikipedia.) It’s humorous, but it’s also completely true. And, if after reading this, people still don’t get it, I don’t know what hope there is for anyone.

(Also, did I mention vulgarity ahead?)

Before I launch into this I need to say that if you’re a high school kid, and you’re getting “friend zoned,” I do not blame you for being an idiot. You’re going through a lot of bullshit right now, and your body is more like season 4 of Breaking Bad where for a grown man it’s more like season 1 or 2. But read this article and become wiser than your fellow dweebs. Stop fearing girls as capricious and devastating forces of nature and start seeing them as people who are EXACTLY LIKE YOU except with different pants-parts and, in many cases, different shirt-parts.

If you’re a grown man (read: 19 or older, and I’m cutting the 18 year olds a fucking break here) and you get “friendzoned,” then the following words are for you, Friendzone.

Stop it. How is this even happening? What are the events that are occurring? This is what I imagine:

1. You become attracted to a woman.

2. You are friendly to that woman in the hopes she will show you her vagina.

3. She mistakes your friendliness for friendliness and befriends you, neglecting to show you her vagina.

4. You act like a butthurt little asswipe, forever placing yourself firmly outside of the circle on the Venn diagram of dudes she will ever show her vagina to.

You complain about it on the internet, and 1000 other maladjusted bro-dudes go, “I know that feel,” and you are validated in your misogyny.

[…]

Here’s the hard truth, Friendzone. You’re not a nice guy. You are a gutless, pathetic, sad, horny little worm who’s too afraid of rejection to just tell a woman how you really feel. Your anger when she doesn’t psychically glean your unspoken desires and automatically reciprocate them is actually just you externalizing the disgust you feel for your own cowardice. You think pretending to be friends with a woman will get her to have sex with you because women are sex-objects to you. You can’t imagine a non-sexual friendship with a woman being rewarding in any way because you don’t think of them as whole, real people. It doesn’t occur to her to date you either because your pandering comes of as unchallenging and uninteresting or because your creepiness is obvious and unnerving.

How can you stop being such a douche bag? Well, I suggest forming a friendship with a woman. You’re going to need to find one who can put up with a lot of bullshit, because that’s all you’ve really got to offer at this early stage. A good indicator is if she’s been married a long time or has raised children. Invest time and energy in this relationship WITHOUT thinking about your constant loneliness-boner. Once you have internalized the knowledge that your new friend has thoughts, feelings, hopes, dreams, AND breasts, take a look around you. Look at the world. Look at all of the people with breasts. Those people are just like her, just like your friend. They, too, have thoughts, feelings, hopes, and dreams. Even the ones you want to fuck. Isn’t the world magical?

Go read the whole thing. Even if you’re already a feminist. And pass it on. This guy gets it, and he can make other people understand, too.

Thank you, Yeti-Detective, for being a great person.

I had a couple of vague ideas for what I was going to write about for Feminist Friday this week. And then when I logged into WordPress, the first thing I saw was this post from wildfeministappears. And before I was halfway through, I knew I’d be sharing it this week.

This post was particularly welcome on a day when I spent too much time arguing with someone on the internet about feminism. It made me angry. But that anger didn’t lead to anything productive. This post felt timely, because it was an important reminder that anger can be a tool, but it needs to be honed and controlled (not stifled and ignored, but controlled), and be put to good use.

I could easily copy and paste the entire thing here, but I think it’s better if you go read the entire post. But I will leave you with the crux of the piece:

This last bit is for everyone.

Look at yourself in the mirror and explain to yourself why you are doing what you are doing.  Ask yourself these questions.

Is it my choice, or is it a decision based on pressure from another source?

Is my choice going to hurt others, and if it is, am I ready to commit to causing harm to others for my own self-gratification?

Is my choice going to help others, and if it is, am I ready to commit to being there for others and accept their choices regardless of how I feel about them?

Am I willing to defend my choice?

Do I have good reasoning for my choice?

Am I ashamed of my choice at all?

Am I unabashedly joyful about my choice?

Does my choice obstruct another person’s freedom?

Answer to yourself every fucking day.

Via DailyLife, by way of Kimberly Chapman: “Five myths about women that need to die in 2013.” Let’s take a look at them, shall we? (But go and read the full text; the snark is brilliant.)

1. Women are waiting for Prince Charming to marry them and put a bun in it.
There’s a persistently irritating idea that careers, travel and an interest in the wider world are just the things a woman does to fill her time while waiting for her real life to happen – being proposed to in a restaurant, marrying in front of 200 of her nearest and dearest and giving (natural) birth to a baby called Ingenue.

Good thing I got married young instead of wasting my life on a silly career! Ha! ….But…wait…I still have a career…..In fact, I love the work I do, so…Good thing I live in an era where I can pursue a career I love. And hey, good thing I live in an era where getting married didn’t close job opportunities off to me. Women still face a lot of obstacles, but I’m still glad I live now and not fifty years ago.

2. Women choosing things – anything – is a feminist act and can’t be criticised.
Yes, choice is very important. It is, in fact, vital when it comes to things like child-rearing, abortion, sex, work, life, the universe and everything in between. But ‘choice’ and the ability to exercise it in and of itself is not a feminist act; rather, it’s the result of demanding women be entitled to autonomy the same way men are. More importantly, defending women’s right to choose whatever they like doesn’t mean other women have a duty to agree with those choices or even respect them.

One thing I will always be thankful for is the fact that I have critical thinking skills. I’m sure the Republican Party would prefer I didn’t, but as yet, they have yet to sufficiently lobotomize the population. Collusion is tricky business, and what is and is not feminist is not always clear cut, as much as I’d like it to be. But the fact is that making choices is a thing all adults do. Women making choices is not feminist. Women making choices is just something people do.

3. Women are all jealous of each other.

[T]he idea that women engage solely with the world from an established position of envy and competition isn’t just ludicrous, it’s damaging. It assumes that our judgment is illegitimate from the get-go, because its only goal is to tear down another woman and thus take her spot at the table where the best crumbs fall. And while this kind of thing doeshappen, it’s part of a whole ‘nother problem with the limited paths to power that are available to women in our society. Reinforcing it with a casual, ‘what can you do?’ shrug of the shoulders undermines the efforts of women to break out of that mould. Sometimes – often, in fact – women are legitimately critical of other women because we are able to intellectually disagree with something a woman has said or done. It doesn’t make us jealous, or bitchy, or juvenile – it makes us fully formed human beings with the ability to make critical assessments of the world around us. You know. Kind of like men.

Again: critical thinking is good! And critical thinking =/= jealousy. It’s pretty tough to be a human and not get jealous sometimes. I get jealous of people who don’t have student loan debt. Or who can drop a couple hundred dollars on new electronics without thinking about it. Or who got their first books published at a younger age than mine. But these jealousies don’t make up my life. I don’t try to tear down already-published writers. I don’t hate my friends who have paid off their debt (or are lucky enough to have not had any in the first place). And maybe I live in a special bubble, but the women I know don’t exhibit these nasty behaviors, either.

4. Women lose their shit over cleaning products, yoghurt and K-Mart.
I swear to dog, if I have to see another advertisement of a woman wearing pearls smiling while cleaning her toilet, or talking about how fat free lemon cheesecake yoghurt is kind of the same thing as not hating yourself, or gesticulating wildly about how the new Schticky appliance has made mopping really, really fun then I am going to bulldoze my way down to the Mart-of-K to round up all the Stepford Wives that apparently live there and deactivate the bullshit chip that lives in their brains. Except that there won’t be any, because no one likes cleaning, yoghurt is dumb and even though K-Mart is a good low-cost option, no one ever rode a bike through its aisles as if this were what life had been building up to.

I mean, I think Greek yogurt is amazing, but I don’t equate it with my self-image. I don’t do a dance of joy when I approach the dairy case at HEB. And I’m never going to like cleaning. Heck, I don’t even like shopping, K-Mart or otherwise. I suppose I could be defective, but….I’m pretty sure I’m okay, actually.

5. Women aren’t visual.

An article was published recently to coincide with the release of a new book exploring the most popular forms of internet pornography. In it, the authors blithely reiterated (‘scientifically’, of course) the oft repeated myth that women are more invested in storylines rather than visuals; they’d much rather read a romantic novel with established characters than spend a quick two minutes cruising You Porn.

Funny, because other casually offered stereotypes pillory women as being obsessed with shoes, constantly comparing their bodies to other women’s and looking at engagement rings from Tiffany – all fairly visual activities.

So the idea that women don’t get into sexual voyeurism ‘because they’re just not visual’ is pretty lazy. Could it be that, rather than being unable to get a blazing hot lady boner over some filthy-as-f–k home videos, they just find it harder to get off on the predictable denouement that shows the only woman in the room being penetrated?

And not only that, but, having been an editor of romance novels that ran the entire heat spectrum, I will say that women have very diverse tastes.

So if anyone out there believes these myths…take it from a bunch of women: they’re not really true.

I’ve had this bookmarked for several weeks now, waiting to share. It’s just been a matter of making time to blog. Via tumblinfeminist, may I present Derailment Bingo:

If you’ve partaken in a discussion on the internet, you’ve seen at least one of these. In fact, you’ve probably seen them all at some point or another. These are comments that trolls use to invade discussions and try to get the thread off-topic. I’ve seen it in feminist spaces, in Health at Every Size Spaces, in anti-racist spaces — pretty much anywhere in which people are attempting to discuss issues we find with society, and how to handle them. They’re aggravating. They’re silencing. They’re not useful.

Just remember: don’t feed the trolls. They’ll build new bridges elsewhere.

Both of these articles are slightly old, but are new to me. Jon passed them along to me knowing I’d want to use them for this portion of my blog, so here you go!

First up, “6 Insane Stereotypes that movies can’t seem to get over.” This article is a great dissection of a whole host of problems in the film industry that intersect with feminism: racism (“Everyone in Africa is Uncivilized or a Warlord,” “White People are Better at Being Asian Than Real Asians,” “In Fantasy Movies, Everyone Has to Be White”), sexism (“Women Can Only Talk About Men”), homophobia (“Non-Heterosexual Characters Either Die or Are Murderers”), and ableism (“Anything (Including Death) is Better Than Being Disabled”). Each heading also offers a dissection of why this problem exists. Definitely a worthwhile read. Also, you’ve now fallen down the Cracked.com rabbit hole. Have fun.

Next up is an article that was linked in the Cracked.com piece, entitled “Why film schools teach screenwriters not to pass the Bechdel test.” The title is, sadly, pretty self-explanatory. When Jennifer Kesler was in film school, she was taught not to pass the Bechdel test, and this is still a problem today (and unfortunately, I can’t say I’m surprised).

Kesler describes her experience as such:

I had to understand that the audience only wanted white, straight, male leads. I was assured that as long as I made the white, straight men in my scripts prominent, I could still offer groundbreaking characters of other descriptions (fascinating, significant women, men of color, etc.) – as long as they didn’t distract the audience from the white men they really paid their money to see.

[…]

My scripts had multiple women with names. Talking to each other. About something other than men. That, they explained nervously, was not okay. I asked why. Well, it would be more accurate to say I politely demanded a thorough, logical explanation that made sense for a change (I’d found the “audience won’t watch women!” argument pretty questionable, with its ever-shifting reasons and parameters).

At first I got several tentative murmurings about how it distracted from the flow or point of the story. I went through this with more than one professor, more than one industry professional. Finally, I got one blessedly telling explanation from an industry pro: “The audience doesn’t want to listen to a bunch of women talking about whatever it is women talk about.”

[…]

According to Hollywood, if two women came on screen and started talking, the target male audience’s brain would glaze over and assume the women were talking about nail polish or shoes or something that didn’t pertain to the story. Only if they heard the name of a man in the story would they tune back in. By having women talk to each other about something other than men, I was “losing the audience.”

Kesler ended up leaving film, deciding to “fight the system from without,” and I don’t blame her. As admirable as it can be to fight something from within, sometimes, there’s no point in staying in an institution, industry, or situation that’s dragging you down and making you miserable.

Kesler believes the men of her generation are better than Hollywood thinks they are. I have to agree. Although I see sexism on a daily basis, I also have a community in which men aren’t the juvenile, sexist zombies Hollywood claims are their target audience. The film industry can do better, and the sooner they realize that, the better.

The above video made the rounds on the internet last week, so it’s slightly old news, but it’s so great that I had to share it again.

For those of you who missed this one, a news anchor at a Wisconsin CBS station received a snarky letter from a viewer criticizing her for her weight. Not for her reporting skills, not for a story she presented, but her appearance. Which has no bearing on whether or not she is capable of doing her job of delivering news accurately.

Rather than being ashamed, Livingston went on the air and addressed the comment publicly, called the viewer out as a bully, and talked about the negative consequences that weight discrimination can have on children.

For all the fearmongering about obesity in this country, there is also a high rate of eating disorders, particularly among young women. And even thin people, when surrounded by a culture that denigrates fat people, are affected by size-negative messages. Being bombarded by magazines and television that claim you can never be too thin gets into your consciousness and wears down your self-esteem. We need more women like Jennifer Livingston, who are willing to call out bullies and create space in the world for confidence.

People don’t have to be thin to be healthy. Discovering the Health at Every Size community in 2008 was key to me shaking off negative images, and to ignoring toxic media claiming I would never be good enough. We don’t need more weight shame in this country. We need to learn how to be healthy, love ourselves, and welcome a diversity of shapes.

Last week, Kelli Russell Agodon posted the above photo at her blog, announcing that it would be part of the Facing Feminism: Feminists I Know exhibition.

From the opening of the Facing Feminism manifesto:

FACING FEMINISM is a project in which, through art and words, the many different faces of feminism are visually demonstrated. This project is a strong statement in contradiction to the stereotype, the one dimensional portrayal, of feminists (usually as stridently against makeup, fashion; graceful pursuits) that is dominant in the media. Some of us love wearing heels and perfume. Some of us don’t. Some are lesbians, some are straight. Concomitant with the many things that distinguish us individually, there are the things that unite us: our strength and our intelligence.

For this series, each woman was invited to submit a photo of her choosing and anything that she wanted to say in expressing her feminism. Each statement is individual to each woman and so it shows how individual women interpret the freedoms that they want within our common bond. The photos and statements are then made into photoems and the entire project, the series of art pieces, is featured here on the MNArtist.org website.

In addition to putting a more varied and representative “face” to feminism, and thus being a tool for education and advocacy, this project aims to enlarge the current dialogue about what it means to be a feminist and also to help women conceptualize a philosophy of feminism that works for them. It will help to de-demonize the concept of feminism.

Feminists come in all shapes, sizes, colors and ages (even genders as there are men that are feminists too) and this fact is demonstrated through the strong and smart feminists that are featured in this series. There are participants from around the world. Where applicable, their statement is featured in two languages (e.g., participant from Iceland’s statement is in Icelandic and English.)

This project is expanding to include, not just women personally known to me but also those women known to the women in this project that I don’t know — and then the women that are known to the second stage of participants but unknown to the first — a ‘six degrees of separation’ effect visually demonstrating how we are all — despite our differences, connected. This serves the second phase to this project.

This is a project that will continue to grow.

Curated by Annette Marie Hyder, this exhibition has been gathering steam for quite some time, and generated a large number of engaging submissions. I spent the better part of an afternoon looking at each one. It’s a worthwhile way to spend a few hours. I guarantee you’ll be inspired.

This blog post is a year old, but just because it’s been around the internet awhile does not make it any less awesome. Over at the blog Social Justice League, Rachael wrote an amazing post entitled “J’accuse? On women who ‘collaborate’ with the patriarchy.”

I was pretty much cheering right from the introduction:

Being highly aware of sexism can be a tough gig. I sometimes wish I could turn off that nerve-jangle I get whenever someone says “he throws like a girl” or “don’t be such a pussy” or “she looks like a whore”. It’s tiring to go through every day constantly weighing up how we want to react. More specifically, for women who wish to actively resist the patriarchy, making everyday decisions becomes complicated: do I shave my body hair or not? Do I wear makeup to cover my pimple? If I want to wear socially-coded “sexy” clothes, am I actually subconsciously wishing to gain heteromale approval? Once you’re aware of sexism, you can’t easily switch that awareness off.

This is definitely something I struggle with on a daily basis. I can’t even watch a movie without my feminist consciousness scanning it for evidence of sexism. It’s what I do; it’s second-nature. I don’t think I could turn it off if I wanted to. And even though it’s frustrating sometimes, I’d rather be hyper-aware, than ignorant. Sometimes, such as at work, it’s not conducive to the environment if I call someone out. Sometimes, I’m just too tired to deal with it. So it becomes a day-to-day struggle figuring out how to deal with the sexism I encounter on a regular basis, and how my own actions fit in.

It’s honestly really difficult not to just repost the entire thing here, but that wouldn’t be right. The essay is just so well-written, and draws attention to an important fact: feminists often don’t know how to handle hyperfeminine women, and sometimes, our responses can be sexist:

Too often, hyperfemme women are unfairly accused of collaborating with the patriarchy. Yes, it’s true that the more people adhere to social gender norms, the harder it is to destroy these norms. There is no denying that some women are doing it explicitly to get heteromale attention, thereby buying into social power structures – and reinforcing them. But a lot of women just genuinely like presenting in a socially-coded feminine way. And if that is so, then presenting in that way is not collaboration at all. It is ridiculous to demand that women curtail their self-expression to further the feminist cause, when theaims of feminism include making it safe and acceptable for women to express themselves however they like.

Worse, a lot of the denigration of hyperfemininity is actually sexist. We associate lipstick and pink with women (this century, anyway) and then associate women with “weak” or “inferior”; when feminism tells us to destroy that second link, we just leap to “lipstick and pink must be inferior”. A lot of social opposition to traits or clothing or activities that are socially-coded-feminine is actually unexamined misogyny.

Rachael doesn’t forget that some feminine women can, in fact, be colluders. And that there are no easy answers when it comes to changing the world, much less one society. But she does offer this:

To the extent that we can accurately identify genuine cases of collaboration, which is difficult, we should see it for what it really is for those individuals: a survival response in a sexist society. That doesn’t make the behaviour any less problematic. That doesn’t mean it’s a good outcome. But it does mean that the individual is not the core problem. She is stuck in a system that makes certain demands on her, and this is how she’s going to play it.

That sucks, but clearly on some level that’s what she feels she has to do. It’s not anyone’s place to tell individual women how to respond to their situations. Of course we can call out hurtful and policing behaviour when we encounter it. Indeed, if we are able to do so, we must do that. But we must also criticise social norms that demand these behaviours from women, and in so doing, we shouldn’t let individual women become collateral damage. Our sexist opponents hate the idea of allowing women to make their own decisions, free from social norms, free from community pressure, free from judgement. We need to be absolutely sure that we never collaborate with them on that.

Identifying and changing sexism is difficult and complicated. Even the most active feminists encounter problems along the way. But we have to do our best,. and that means having compassion and avoiding judgment. And if that’s the best you can do, you’re doing a lot to make the world a better place. The world is lacking compassion in a lot of places; any amount you can give helps.

[EDIT: When this post went live, I noticed something was wonky with my YouTube embedding, and the same video had been embedded three times. Not sure what happened there! It should be fixed now.]

[EDIT 2: YouTube apparently hates me tonight, and refuses to display more than one video multiple times. Thanks, YouTube.]

Recently, I’ve become a huge fan of Jarrah Hodge‘s YouTube series entitled Feminist F.A.Q.s. There are ten videos so far, covering everything from anti-racism to feminist men.

These videos are a great starting point for anyone exploring feminism, but they’re also fun and engaging for longtime feminists. I’ve enjoyed watching these, revisiting topics I know, and finding new perspectives to explore.

Hodge also blogs at Gender Focus, which is well worth your time and attention.